A Lesson From Jared Conners

5.27.22

In the fall of 2018, I joined the University of Virginia coaching staff as a volunteer assistant. One of the players on that team was Jared Conners. Jared was incredibly talented as a lacrosse player, but there was something about him which separated him from other incredibly talented lacrosse players: he craved feedback at a higher level than anyone else. He worked hard, no doubt, but a lot of players work hard. That’s just half of it. Jared CRAVED feedback. Any coach who had a thought, Jared wanted to hear it and would immediately apply it. I believe it was this which led him become an eventual First Team All-American and the Midfielder of the Year in college lacrosse.

What struck me the other day is that craving feedback isn’t only a call to action, it’s a posture of the heart. Craving feedback doesn’t necessarily mean studying more or having more meetings with a coach or boss. That is certainly part of it. But I believe the larger part of craving feedback is constantly reconstructing your heart with humility and a desire to learn. The more success you have, the more challenging this becomes because the noise telling you that “you’ve arrived” gets louder. That’s why the reconstruction process never ends.

I first learned the term “crave feedback” back in my college days and it was our assistant coach Brad Ross who said in a team meeting, “One of my greatest fears in life is being surrounded by people who only tell me how great I am.” I was drawn to his words, and they’ve anchored me in certain moments of life because they’re so counter to much of what we want to hear. We want to be told we’re always doing a great job and we’re “the man”. It’s common. But common isn’t great; greatness is always sparked by an uncommon humility.

Jared’s heart was laced with a hunger to be the best and a humility to know he needed coaches and teammates to help get him there. He wanted truth about every aspect of his game. Through the most mundane and fundamentally basic drills, he longed for you to coach him hard. I arrived in Charlottesville with no coaching experience on my resume and no credibility to any word I said. Jared didn’t care – he just wanted to be coached hard by anyone who would give him a thought.

I remember Jared coming up to me in a footwork drill during a practice early in the fall of 2019 (the fall after being named the best LSM in the country), and he asked if I could watch if he was slouching his chest during his kick back footwork because he knew if he did, it would shift his weight to his heels, causing a false step in his drop step and limit the violence of his cross check. He craved feedback! Jared was the kind of player who made me a better coach. I couldn’t overlook any detail because Jared wanted to perfect every one of them.

This is true – those who crave feedback at the highest level are the ones who have the ability to grow at the fastest rate. Jared did just that; he got better every year at Virginia and I’m certain will do the same at the professional and world level.

The best way to gauge if you truly crave feedback is to listen to the voice in your head the next time someone provides you advice or feedback. If the inner voice gets defensive, then there is construction to be done. If the inner voice expresses gratitude, then your heart is in the right spot! Sometimes it’s only you who will really know.

Thanks for your example two-eight!